Trump Promises to Put “Crooked Bart” Behind Bars Once and For All If He Is Elected

PALM BEACH, FL- Former President Donald Trump gave a statement from his Florida residence earlier today that he would hold Bart Rathbone accountable for all the things he’s done in his past. We asked him for a word this afternoon:

“Bart Rathbone is crooked, very crooked. In fact, I call him Bart Crookedbone, that’s what I call him. A person who’s committed all the detrimental acts he has should not be allowed to run a business or run for office. The only place he should be running is in prison.”

Don Polehaus gave a statement: “I couldn’t be happier. The risk that man could try and run for mayor again made him enough of a threat to the community.”

We also asked for a word from Bart Rathbone, who said, “I don’t know where y’alls get this stuff. So I may have scammed that guy into buyin’ a packa ‘dose dysfunctional double-a batteries, but dat was my only scam of da week! Much less dan the impressive five I pulled off two weeks ago.”

At the time of posting, Bart Rathbone was nowhere to be found, but Odyssey Airport records show that he used Bonseye corporation money to flee to Hawaii once again.