Tag: Satirical Odyssey News Network
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John Whittaker Goes Back In Time In The Imagination Station To Delete Bethany’s Flood
ODYSSEY, USA – Today, ice cream shop owner John Whittaker went back in time in his time machine to get rid of an episode of popular radio series Adventures in Odyssey. Whittaker used an invention of his called “the Imagination Station.” He wanted to go back in time to delete episode #444c “Bethany’s Flood.” Whittaker…
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Eugene Meltsner Goes To The Hospital, Tests Positive For Being “A Total Genius”
ODYSSEY, USA – Today Eugene Meltsner went to Odyssey Memorial because he was afraid something was wrong. Dr. Lily Graham saw Meltsner in one of the rooms. Meltsner claimed he was suffering from, “an abnormally capacious vocabulary, and an ineradicable passion for an all-encompassing knowledge that is ever expanding.” Meltsner is concerned that these conditions…
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Mr. Whittaker Loses It After Someone Uses The Word “Coincidence” In A Sentence
ODYSSEY, USA – Today at Odyssey Community Church, John Whittaker lost his cool after overhearing a fellow Churchgoer talk about a coincidence. Pastor Wilson Knox just finished up his sermon on compassion, and the congregants were starting to file out of the building. John Whittaker, brother-in-law of Pastor Knox, and owner of popular ice cream…
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Jason Whittaker Astounded After Finding An Old Cassette Of His Father Rapping
ODYSSEY, USA – Today, Jason Whittaker was going through some old boxes at his father’s shop “Whit’s End.” He was cleaning out some storage rooms to make space for future inventions at the establishment. As he searched through boxes, he found an old cassette labeled “December 5, 1987.” Jason found a cassette player in another…
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John Whittaker Berates Child After The Child Mentioned Wanting A Television For Christmas
ODYSSEY, USA – Today, a child came into the popular ice cream shop, Whit’s End. Frank, age 7, ordered a small hot fudge sundae with his parents. Mr. Whittaker, who owns this establishment, attempted to make small talk and asked the young boy what he wanted for Christmas. Frank replied that his family’s television broke…
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Electric Palace Holds Special Christmas Sale: “Buy Any Item At 200% Normal Price And Get 15% Off An Item Of Equal Or Lesser Value”
ODYSSEY, USA – Local business The Electric Palace is reportedly running a special holiday sale, according to owner Bart Rathbone. They are running the sale from now until December 31st. Bart Rathbone gave us all the details on this special offer “Well ya know, I’m really in da Christamus spirit right about now so I…
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Arthur Dent Opens New Baked Goods Shop In Odyssey
ODYSSEY, USA – Arthur Dent was recently released from the Hillendale Haven. He has resided there for many years following the Novacom incident. His doctors reported that he needed much therapy after he suffered electroshock torture at the hands of one Bennett Charles. His doctors, however, reported that he is very well adjusted, despite the…
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Mayor Margaret Faye Announces New Mandate Of The Novabox For All Citizens Of Odyssey
ODYSSEY, USA – Today at a press conference, Mayor Margaret Faye announced a new law in Odyssey. All inhabitants of the town are now required to have a Novabox in their house that is used daily. If they do not abide by these measures, they must stay home to keep those who are using the…
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Jillian Marshall Hangs Mistletoe In J & J Antiques And Gestures Suggestively Towards It
ODYSSEY, USA – Today at J & J Antiques in Odyssey, Jillian Marshall halted her work to hang some mistletoe from the ceiling of the shop. She did this while her boss, Jason Whittaker, was out making deliveries for the business. When Whittaker returned from the shop, he walked into the room and saw Jillian…
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Jimmy and Donna Forget Last Year, This Time Burn Down Entire House
ODYSSEY, USA- A few days ago, Jimmy and Donna Barclay once again found themselves in a predicament of sickly proportions. With their two parents sick with the coronavirus, they forgot the instructions to go to the Jacob’s house and decided to try their hand at Thanksgiving dinner. Despite Jimmy’s insistance that they just forget tradition…