ODYSSEY, USA- We were called to the Kendall residence earlier this week to give Jules her attention refill. When the SONN team arrived, we found her crying into her pillow about some recent news. The city was burning down or falling into the sea or something of the like. We tried to console her, saying her mother was likely okay, and she responded with:
“I caaaan’t! I can’t go to Los Angeles anymoooore! That’s where all my rich friends live! Now I’ll be stuck here forevaaaah! It’s too terrible! What I’m I going to do with my life?”
She began to sing one of her emo-pop songs, a real earsore. Buck Oliver arrived a few hours later to harmonize, which helped a little. People came from all over to hear what the ruckus was about. A few hours later, she gave a public announcement to her fans, informing them how sorry she was Los Angles fell to a tornado. She then began to scrub tables at Whit’s End with her tears while kids played with a snowman outside, drinking hot chocolate and having fun skating. When she went home, she binged soap operas the whole evening, going through three cups of plain water. We gave one more interview at the end of the day. She said, “I’m serious. There’s like, nothing to do here. What am I going to do without Los Angeles anymore? Finals? Ugh. Just get out, okay”? She said this while Wooton, Penny, Connie, and the Meltsners went out to sing Christmas Carols. Reports say Jules is still sob shopping at the mall for herself as sales on Christmas gifts are half off.
In other news, Earnest Wise proved his case about Los Angeles being 500 square miles of every hazard, as the report came in that it was also hit by the fire of God himself. For SONN, I’m Don. Goodbye.
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